How to fix the Global War on Terror

The turn of the 21st century brought a few surprises, not least of which was the return of 19th century-style “Great Game” politics. All it took was a few scary-crazy neoconservatives floating to the top in the wake of a faux cowboy and a dubious election result, and a thirty-year-old dirty war coming back to bite us, and suddenly we were back in the colonies, fighting the Hun wherever he may be, and once more turning our eyes towards the events of Central Asia. Again, we were going to turn them around with a taste of steel, and the boys were going to be home by Christmas.

Strangely, this return to form has not been welcomed, and has in fact developed rather a backlash. It seems that the news media has betrayed us, and rather than reporting all the gallant victories, holding the square and all that, has rather come down on the side of the natives, dwelling on unpleasantries such as civilian deaths and internecine conflicts. Obviously this view misses the point. How do these people expect us to build an empire?

The whole thing needs an update for the new century. I hope to make you see that, with a few minor changes, this sort of thing could jig in nicely with the more popular sports of today.

The first order of business must of course be allowing the gentry to have a polite flutter on the proceedings. The whole Game is really about unearned wealth, and most of our problems are stemming from keeping that unearned wealth confined to too few individuals. The oil executives and military contractors are doing just fine, but a proper tote will extend things to the labourers, academics, and professionals who are out there marching and dissenting. If there is one thing the history of civilization tells us, it’s that almost any atrocity can be ignored when spiced with gambling, such as child poverty, gladiatorial combat and Las Vegas.

The second measure is already mostly in place. The soldiers – or “competitors” as they will now be known – will be held to a completely unrealistic double standard. We will select for the most aggressive and testosterone driven young men, then decry and castigate them for any aggressive or testosterone-fuelled behaviour. The masses must hate their heroes to love them, and the delicious spectacle of the media railing against them will attract the pious and prurient punters who would otherwise ignore our Game altogether.

Thirdly, we need a really professional competitor. We will need to arm, train and fund the other side, to make sure we always have the right degree of competition to keep seats filled. This idea has already been significantly implemented in the past in Afghanistan and Iraq, but not to a sufficient extent. The other side have not been wearing proper jerseys nor playing by any rules that I can recognize whatsoever. In fact, one could mostly mistake them for mere civilians, angered by our interference in their homeland and culture! The whole thing can rather put the punters off their tea.

Finally, the most important thing is that we all just get behind it. The fate of the world is at stake here, and we’re trying to build an empire that will last forever. You know – like the last one did.